Your Self-Worth vs. Their Hurtful Words: You Redefined

It’s interesting when old wounds rise to the surface. You see an old face on Instagram or a past friend comment on a FB thread and that familiar sting bites at your heart. With the current climate, I can’t help but wonder if the quarantine is just making me more sensitive or if God’s nudging me in the sweetest way that there’s another layer of my heart He’d like to work on—a wound that possibly had more than one entry point.

It sucks on multiple levels when you find out you need MORE healing. At least to me it does. But what I’m also realizing is that the inconvenient sting that’s now throbbing is saying more than, “Remember when that person hurt you?” but in actuality, “What about their opinion is so important to you?”

As long as I can recall, I’ve wanted to be seen as intelligent, beautiful, talented, loved, important, etc. I simply wanted to be the awkward girl fully accepted into the IN crowd. The truth is, I rarely feel seen or heard, or needed. I rarely feel like what I have to say is important enough for people to want to listen. That could stem from years of being forgotten about when someone’s word I assumed was bond, or an old boyfriend comparing me to another woman. It could be from the abrupt silence of a friend I thought of more as a sister, or someone using their “power” to protect themselves as opposed to guiding and protecting me. All of these arrows seem to have been aimed at one specific bulls eye—my self worth.

“I’ve been looking for my worth in the mouths of those I thought were on a type of “worthy-throne”—the people I hold in high regard.”

I’d been looking for my worth in the mouths of those I thought were on a type of “worthy-throne”—the people I hold in high regard. I somehow assumed that their stamp of approval would affirm, confirm and seal my worthiness to be fully loved, and thus those around me would choose to see me and love me as well.

I know it sounds silly and unnecessarily complex, but this is my truth, my thorn, my gaping wound. And I honestly don’t believe I’m the only one that has felt this way.

So, the great question is: How do I begin this additional road towards healing?

I began fleshing out my thoughts and past experiences with Jesus. I have been talking through each painful moment, expressing how it made me believe about myself, and allowing God to speak truth into it. This has been incredibly painful, and at times, overwhelming to allow my emotions the freedom to just be.

“…Finally coming out on the other side of the toughest moments of processing, I can see healing.”

But, finally coming out on the other side of the toughest moments of processing, I can see healing. I’m no where near fully healed, but my identity—the soot that settled, covering my self worth—is slowly being wiped away by God’s tender, grace-filled hands. How beautiful that our God finds delight in even reminding us that our worth is ONLY defined through Him—HIS LOVE—not experiences, not opinions, not someones’ forgetfulness, and not weaponized words.

This season has been nothing short of challenging, and causing lots of “yuck” to bubble up to the surface. But if you use this time, this opportunity, to dive into the muddiness of your heart, God will meet you there and wash your wounds clean in His everlasting, perfect love.

Related Article: Your Voice Isn’t Someone’s To Take

Photo by Nick Owuor (astro.nic.visuals) on Unsplash