Stay with Mommy

I’d had a dream the night before that we would lose him. I prayed he’d stay with me. “Don’t you leave mommy. Stay with mommy, okay baby? I’ll do whatever it takes, just stay with mommy,” I whispered while standing in the mirror, rubbing my small belly. The cramping hadn’t really stopped but it wasn’t as intense. I had no idea what the cramping that began the day before, after getting ice cream of course, would bring this day.

Mother’s Day.

I excitedly opened my cards, went to church and out to lunch to celebrate my first Mother’s Day along with my mommy and little sister. By the time we walked in the door of the restaurant I’d started cramping again. And bleeding. We called a nurse only for her to say there was nothing they could do— “take Tylenol and come in the next day.” How frustrating. I impatiently said ok and off to Target we went.

I couldn’t say anything. I was suddenly mute. And losing my mind. I prayed for God to help pull me back to reality because I was fading away.

My sister accompanied me to the restroom once we arrived. Thank God. We lost our baby that day. In Target of all places. I went from wailing to glazed silence in a matter of minutes as my sister held me and my mother ran for help. I vividly remember walking to the register and staring blankly into my husbands eyes and him mouthing “Ok” as he rushed towards me. I couldn’t say anything. I was suddenly mute. And losing my mind. I prayed for God to help pull me back to reality because I was fading away. I could see the fear in my husbands eyes and thought, “I’m so sorry, I can’t help you. I’m stuck.” He was so strong for us that day…and every day thereafter.

A full miscarriage they’d said. It wasn’t until I heard a beeping in another room hours later that snapped me out of it and I began to cry again. Sitting on a hospital bed on Mothers Day, we took a moment and named our sweet boy. Charlie —our sweet Charlie— and said goodbye. Tears are welling up as I write this and it’s not solely due to grief but more out of gratefulness. What a gift it was to have him with us even for the shortest amount of time. I treasure every moment and belly rub knowing he was in there. I tell our two boys all about their big brother and how much we love him.

The pain of miscarriage was something I’d never heard anyone speak on. The upward battle of healing and hoping again, and the fear that can grip your heart when pregnancy is a reality once more, was startling. Please know that you’re not alone in your grief, hope or your fears. That the processing of all those emotions are normal and healthy, just make sure to keep processing (in a healthy manner) and when you’re pregnant again, with all your might, REJOICE! It’s a new blessing and a new life and deserves new and true excitement.

Lots of love to you. 

Photo by Max Goncharov on Unsplash