In the last three months I’ve lost three people I love. All varying degrees of closeness but the one thing they all sum up to is grief. Heart-wrenching, bottom-belly sobbing, unavoidable grief.
And do you know what’s extremely difficult to do when raising toddlers?
Grieving.
Parenting has a way of monopolizing opportunities to care for your own needs if you aren’t strategic and intentional about it. Honestly, creating space to process grief while entertaining and educating small humans, washing clothes, making sure we don’t live off of hotdogs, trying to maintain my sanity, work on The Suchy Much, and be a loving/supporting wife has been the HARDEST thing to do.
Blessed are those who mourn,
Matthew 5:4
for they will be comforted.
In the past I didn’t process grief in a healthy way. I ended up sick, depressed and unable to cry for several years. Literally, not a single tear. I had debilitating anxiety attacks and dizzy spells and took comfort in food. I declared after running my health into the hole that I wouldn’t do that to myself again. I promised myself I would read up on healthy emotional habits, incorporate them, get counseling and do the opposite of pretty much everything I’d done in my past.
I’m currently smack dab in the middle of a whirlwind of grief and figuring out how to mourn with seemingly limited time and capacity. It would be so easy for me to say, “I don’t have time to fall apart! I got things to do!” and push down the lump in my throat and masquerade as if I’m the miracle child that found their way around processing the messy weight of grief. But let’s be honest, none of us have that ability. Yes, we all process grief and mourning in different ways and timeframes, but the key is PROCESSING.
So, in light of the grief I know many of us are walking around with, I wanted to share some things that I’ve done/are doing to create space to process the heartbreak and rawness of grief. Some things I didn’t mention like crying in the shower, taking your kids for a walk and talking to your spouse but all of those things are staples for most people. This is in no way an exhaustive list, there are more ways to process grief and I hope you’ll share what works for you with me in the comments.
Cry. I’d say it’s simple but, for those like me, it can be very complicated. When you spend the majority of your life believing crying is a sign of weakness, it takes a while to reprogram. My advice is to cry when you feel it. Even if it’s not necessarily “convenient.” Use wisdom but don’t shut down that outlet just because you don’t want your children (or people) to see you’re an actual human…with a heart. Allowing your children to see you cry shows them that it’s a healthy response to pain and your littles will want to comfort your heart with the warmest hugs.
Be honest about your capacity, and use “yes” and “no” with precision. There are some events you may have to decline because you mentally can’t expend any additional energy and also be healthy for your family. THAT’S 100% NORMAL AND OK. Those that love you and want the best for you will understand. On the other hand, you may need to say “yes” to spending time with friends that are soul-filling, even when you don’t “feel” like being around anyone. I promise allowing those that love you to stand in the gap and love you where you are will be a slow and needed healing balm.
Accept help and reach out when necessary. When loss happens, in any capacity, oftentimes people you trust will extend a helping hand–take the hand! You may not need help at the moment but when the time comes that parenting and grieving are colliding in a way you can’t handle, reach out and ask for help. Ask for a few hours to yourself, ask for someone to cover dinner so you don’t have to cook, ask for a night away… ASK for what you need. This is when community is vital and those you began to share your life with, before grief came into your life, step in to hold you up when you have zero energy to do it yourself.
Be honest with your kids about your heart. My boys faithfully ask me how I’m doing and I am as honest as their understanding will allow. Some days I tell them, “Guys, Mommy’s heart is sad today. I could sure use one of your amazing hugs!” And their response is always sweet and loving and ministers to my heart. Your kids love you and God didn’t just give them to you, but he gave you to them! Allow who they are, in all of their energetic glory, to comfort your heart.
Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray for yourself and be honest with God about how you feel and what you need. Sometimes just sitting in His presence after an exhausting day is just what you need to keep moving forward. Ask for prayer. Let those closest to you know when you’re struggling so they can check in on you and pray on your behalf. Pray for others. There’s always someone else that needs prayer. Take the focus off of yourself for a moment and pray for God to meet someone else in their hard times.
Take deep breaths and pause before responding to your kids. When my heart is hurting I tend to get less sleep, which means I’m easily irritable on top of being emotionally raw. Not the best combo. So when my boys aren’t listening well, arguing about a toy, or simply want my attention, I have to be extra mindful of not responding out of my lack. I take a calming breath, whisper a small prayer for God’s strength to pour into my soul, and then I respond. I’m not perfect by any means but it sure helps me not to have to apologize every thirty minutes because I didn’t take the time to acknowledge my well is dry at the moment and I need help.
Think of games you can play that caters to you and fills their tanks. Again with the energy thing. My little dudes like to play tag ALL THE TIME but some days I don’t have the energy, so we have tickle time! I can stay in one spot and they are having a blast tickling, being tickled, and tackling me. Their tank is being filled and I’m not running around the house. This is a win-win in my book! Think through what fills your littles tanks without the extra energy when you don’t have it to give.
Therapy. Schedule it if you need it. It’s glorious and I wish everyone did it.
Cook when you have the energy and eat in small portions. Grief can drain your energy quickly and when you need to prepare dinner for your family that lack of energy can be the worst. I’ve started to prepare any meals needed for the day whenever I have the energy, no matter the time. I may prep lunch in the morning and dinner at lunch time but it works, and knowing my family’s tummy is taken care of for the day lifts weight off of my shoulders.
Now, you may not have this issue but grief has overcome my appetite to such a degree that eating is almost impossible at times, and when I do I immediately get a stomach ache. My husband and I went on an “eating adventure” to several restaurants to try to get me to eat something substantial, and I realized that if the plate was small I could eat it. The fact that a large plate of food was overwhelming was a glorious revelation and vital to staying strong and healthy for my family.
Plan pockets of peace. I know you’re thinking, “what?” but hear me out. There are certain “setups” you can do to create a quiet, peaceful space. It could be coloring, legos, anything that helps your kiddo zone in on something other than you. For me it’s the boys going in the backyard to play with dirt, trucks and jump on the trampoline. Even if they don’t initially want to go outside, I’ll simply open the door and allow the fun option to sink in. I’ll put on some encouraging music and if the tears come, I feel I have the space and atmosphere to let them fall.
Minimize triggers. There are some shows/cartoons/movies we simply can’t watch right now because it will send me into a grief laden anxiety attack. It’s simple…find something else to watch, read, etc. if it puts you out of commission during a time you need to be alert and aware.
Reminisce. Share what you loved about the person(s) you lost. This tends to help me focus on their life and love shared, and help me cry when I feel emotionally “stopped up.” Be gracious with your heart and how you process. Don’t allow anyone to tell you when you should be “over it” but listen to those that give helpful, healthy advice.
Photo: David Cole Photography
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